Follow-up #1 to this post: When I said that I'd had "prayers for wisdom and growth very clearly answered", I wasn't making the big announcement that I had finally arrived at Solomon's epic level of wise understanding. Rather the opposite, in fact... What I've experienced in my Christian walk is that when you ask God for wisdom and growth, you will be astounded at what He shows you to make you see the depths and depths of things you haven't even begun to plumb in understanding, and the multitudes of areas in your life that need severe pruning and weeding so you can grow in those areas. What I was saying is that, in fact, God had very clearly showed me these things and was -- and is -- very much in the process of wising me up and growing me up. Amen.
Follow-up #2, to this post: Let me preface by saying that I love Anne Lamott. I read Bird by Bird in college but holy cow, the difference in perspective when you read her as an adult. I'm probably going to go back and read her other work to see what else I can glean from this side of Grown-Up Land. In any case, sometimes she so acutely captures my own thoughts on something that I've begun to think of her as a voice in my head. For example, on page 164 of Bird by Bird, she says: "I have girlfriends who had their babies through natural childbirth -- no drugs, no spinal, no nothing -- and they secretly think they had a more honest birth experience, but I think the epidural is right up there with the most important breakthroughs in the West, like the Salk polio vaccine and salad bars in supermarkets. It's an individual thing. What works for me may not work for you."
I would personally put the epidural up there with drive-thru's, deodorant, coffeemakers...you know, anything that makes your life easier and you can't imagine living without. But her point is, of course, that you are entitled to your experience. You are entitled to doing things the way that you want to do them (short of hurting others, obviously). Nobody should get to take that away from you -- don't let them even try. And that was my whole point with my post in defense of soothing vs. crying-it-out nighttime parenting. I have read so much in defense of crying-it-out that it really put a bee in my bonnet that I wasn't reading about the alternatives, one of which I heartily recommend and stand by with fervor. But on the same token, if you are a staunch advocate of crying-it-out nighttime parenting, I would not take that away from you for the world. Just don't tell me your way is "right" and I won't tell you that my way is "right," either. Children are so different. Parents are so different. Of course there would be a myriad of styles and solutions that work well.
I have to thank my husband for that final thought. And I have to thank Anne Lamott for articulating my own massive jumble of thoughts so well. (Anne, if you're reading, I'd love to get together. Coffee on the California coast work for you?)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Multitude Monday (er, Tuesday)...#21-30
(Totally spaced this yesterday! Oh well, here it is anyway!)
Thankful for:
21. The anticipation of catching up with girlfriends. Knowing I'll never touch on everything I want to chat about is okay because I also know we won't waste a single moment in trying.
22. The ability to vent on something called a blog. And to have dear friends chime in and encourage.
23. The appearance of Lucy's top right front tooth -- the bittersweet pang of going through each new stage with my babies.
24. Teenage-lovesick-equivalent phone calls with my husband when we're hundreds of miles apart.
25. Having prayers for wisdom and growth very clearly answered.
26. Tomatoes by the bushel basket in my mama's kitchen -- it's August in Indiana, y'all!
27. The abundance of Thomas trains, tracks, and accessories kept at my parents' house, courtesy of my nephew Ethan. Will has been in absolute heaven playing with "doo-doo's."
28. Changing my mind about someone. (Having God show me how wrong I was about that person and swallowing my wrongness with both shame and pleasure.)
29. Pastor John sermons (my parents' pastor). How I was blessed on Sunday by what he shared about God, the Great Physician!
30. Not having to send a child (back) to school yet. Every August I feel like I've dodged a bullet, ha!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Unpopular parenting methods, found here!
Please accept my apologies before reading: This is one of those posts that I must get out of my system or it's going to burn a hole in my brain. That, or I won't sleep until the birds start chirping at dawn. So instead, here it is. You lucky readers, you.
I read a lot of mommy blogs. And a good portion of those mommy blogs tend to feature the same types of things: outrageous birthday parties, a zillion pictures of the kids (sometimes several per day) nearly always dressed to the nines, picture-perfect homes with organized rooms and even more organized schedules for everyone under the picture-perfect roof, and so forth. Now, I have nothing against a really great birthday party (except for, well, wasteful spending, but that being such a subjective thing, I tend to leave it alone) or well-dressed babies or even a fabulous example of organization (duh). However, the one thing that I see featured on a lot of mommy blogs that really sticks in my craw over and over and over again is the assertion that fostering "independence" in children from the get-go (yeah, that means *birth*) is the right way to go and the "correct" method of parenting.
Well, if that's right, then I'm here to say I'm wearing wrong from head to toe. I'm wrong all over, y'all. When I was pregnant with Will, I was given several books on parenting (methods, topical, Q&A's, etc.). A few weeks before his birth, I cracked open the one on breastfeeding, but just so I could get some answers to a couple of questions I had -- that's it. At baby showers, at church, at the grocery store, I was told to read this person, watch this DVD, check out this website. Dear readers, I didn't because I just didn't want to. Rather than having everyone and his brother tell me what kind of parent to be, I wanted to figure it out for myself. Marty and I both did. And we still do. When we need advice, we ask my parents. I ask my best friend. I poll other mommies who I know aren't going to push a program on me, but who are going to offer guidance based on their own invaluable experiences. I take everything in, talk it over with Marty, and then we forge ahead with a plan, a mutual plan, *our* plan -- no one else's. Because our children are *ours* and God gave them to *us* and thankfully, He also gave us brains and instincts and love and compassion and patience (more than we thought we had).
I say all of this because I want to counter the conventional "wisdom" floating out there in blogland about raising "independent" children. Prepare yourselves, I'm about to make a super controversial statement: If you are uncomfortable with "crying it out" and methods that espouse this strategy, please feel free to reject it and them. Yes, I'm giving you permission. Permission to keep your baby in your room with you, in a cradle, in a bassinet, in a bouncy seat, even in a car seat if that's what makes your child comfortable. Keep your baby with you as long as you need to, even if it's (*gasp*) for your own sanity and peace of mind. Let me also give you permission to feed on demand. Oh, and while I'm at it, here's permission to enter your child's room if he or she cries during the night, even if Baby is fed and dry and safe and "should be perfectly fine." Because let me remind you and all of us about a little something called the human condition, which is this in a nutshell: It's dark out there. Things can be scary and sometimes we all have a need to reach for comfort, and when you're 6 weeks removed from that most perfect of all environments -- the womb -- you might be a bit shocked by this dark, scary world and want your mommy's touch and voice and warmth. And guess what else? Mommy might need some of that comfort, too. Even though she's dead-tired and believes that sleep is something beautiful experienced only by other, outrageously lucky people. Despite this, Mommy might just want to scoop up her precious bundle and smell his hair or stroke her little fingers. She might want to nurse him and she might want to rock him until he's fallen asleep with a gentle sigh. She might take the greatest of pleasures and the deepest of comforts from these simple activities that, for some reason that seems to escape me, are somehow verboten in current (trendy) parenting methods. Oh yeah, the reason is this: You want an "independent" child. You want a child who sleeps through the night. You want a child who can problem-solve, who can look inward for comfort and reassurance. What if I told you a secret? What if I told you that you could ultimately achieve these things *without* listening to the heartbreaking cries of your child in the night, without clenching your hands so tight you have nail marks because you're fighting every mommy instinct you have in your attempts to ignore those cries?
Take our experience with parenting and hold it up to the others that you'll read (and you'll read far, far more of those). Just know that you have another option. Just know this: we kept our son with us in our bedroom, in a cradle, until he was 8 weeks old. Even after he moved to his own room, when he cried in the night, I nursed him -- I fed him on-demand. I fed him and then I rocked him until he fell asleep. I did this as many times in the night as he "requested." Yes, I was bleary-eyed, I was exhausted. But we pushed onward... Our son is now 2 years old. He sleeps through the night with no problems whatsoever, and has been doing so for a little under a year. Yeah, there were some difficult nights. There were times we thought we'd never sleep normally again. There were moments we thought we were absolutely doing things wrong. But we never rejected our instincts, never gave up on our own ideas about parenting. And you know what? We ended up in the same place as everyone else: our child sleeps through the night. And guess what else? Everyone who has ever observed Will has remarked that he is "the most independent child" they've ever seen. I kid you not. And they're right -- he loves to play by himself. He gets very involved in his own world and doesn't like to be disturbed, especially by his little sister! He can even self-soothe...I've watched him do it. If something upsets him and I can't get to him right away, he'll seek out his pacifier or his "silkie" (blanket) and he'll sit down in his chair and watch Dora or hold his cars to his chest for a few minutes and voila, he's happy again.
But guess what else? When my child cries in the night, which he very rarely does -- over a nightmare or a diaper leak -- he knows I'm coming. He knows Mommy or Daddy will be there. He knows it's just a matter of minutes before one of us will appear at his crib. He knows that help is on the way.
Yes, Marty and I suffered through quite a few more sleepless nights than the cry-it-out crowd. But I did not have children just so I could immediately make them function without me. I did not have children to teach them to get used to handling problems alone. No, I actually had children so we could enjoy a relationship, so I would know the joy of offering comfort and companionship and shelter and love and help to someone and so that someone could receive it. Period. Plain and simple.
Please know that I have nothing against those who adopt the method of crying-it-out. I just have something against that method being touted as "correct" or "right" and other methods being frowned upon, or worse, being rejected without consideration simply because they're unpopular. Look, we all have to work things out for our own children, our own families. Let's just offer grace to each other. We're all headed toward the same destination: happy, healthy children. There are different paths to getting there.
Okay, my brain might not have a hole burnt through it after all. I might very well sleep tonight. But if you're not sleeping tonight because of a wakeful baby, hang in there. You don't have to listen to me, but please do listen to your instincts. They won't misguide you. And you will sleep again!
I read a lot of mommy blogs. And a good portion of those mommy blogs tend to feature the same types of things: outrageous birthday parties, a zillion pictures of the kids (sometimes several per day) nearly always dressed to the nines, picture-perfect homes with organized rooms and even more organized schedules for everyone under the picture-perfect roof, and so forth. Now, I have nothing against a really great birthday party (except for, well, wasteful spending, but that being such a subjective thing, I tend to leave it alone) or well-dressed babies or even a fabulous example of organization (duh). However, the one thing that I see featured on a lot of mommy blogs that really sticks in my craw over and over and over again is the assertion that fostering "independence" in children from the get-go (yeah, that means *birth*) is the right way to go and the "correct" method of parenting.
Well, if that's right, then I'm here to say I'm wearing wrong from head to toe. I'm wrong all over, y'all. When I was pregnant with Will, I was given several books on parenting (methods, topical, Q&A's, etc.). A few weeks before his birth, I cracked open the one on breastfeeding, but just so I could get some answers to a couple of questions I had -- that's it. At baby showers, at church, at the grocery store, I was told to read this person, watch this DVD, check out this website. Dear readers, I didn't because I just didn't want to. Rather than having everyone and his brother tell me what kind of parent to be, I wanted to figure it out for myself. Marty and I both did. And we still do. When we need advice, we ask my parents. I ask my best friend. I poll other mommies who I know aren't going to push a program on me, but who are going to offer guidance based on their own invaluable experiences. I take everything in, talk it over with Marty, and then we forge ahead with a plan, a mutual plan, *our* plan -- no one else's. Because our children are *ours* and God gave them to *us* and thankfully, He also gave us brains and instincts and love and compassion and patience (more than we thought we had).
I say all of this because I want to counter the conventional "wisdom" floating out there in blogland about raising "independent" children. Prepare yourselves, I'm about to make a super controversial statement: If you are uncomfortable with "crying it out" and methods that espouse this strategy, please feel free to reject it and them. Yes, I'm giving you permission. Permission to keep your baby in your room with you, in a cradle, in a bassinet, in a bouncy seat, even in a car seat if that's what makes your child comfortable. Keep your baby with you as long as you need to, even if it's (*gasp*) for your own sanity and peace of mind. Let me also give you permission to feed on demand. Oh, and while I'm at it, here's permission to enter your child's room if he or she cries during the night, even if Baby is fed and dry and safe and "should be perfectly fine." Because let me remind you and all of us about a little something called the human condition, which is this in a nutshell: It's dark out there. Things can be scary and sometimes we all have a need to reach for comfort, and when you're 6 weeks removed from that most perfect of all environments -- the womb -- you might be a bit shocked by this dark, scary world and want your mommy's touch and voice and warmth. And guess what else? Mommy might need some of that comfort, too. Even though she's dead-tired and believes that sleep is something beautiful experienced only by other, outrageously lucky people. Despite this, Mommy might just want to scoop up her precious bundle and smell his hair or stroke her little fingers. She might want to nurse him and she might want to rock him until he's fallen asleep with a gentle sigh. She might take the greatest of pleasures and the deepest of comforts from these simple activities that, for some reason that seems to escape me, are somehow verboten in current (trendy) parenting methods. Oh yeah, the reason is this: You want an "independent" child. You want a child who sleeps through the night. You want a child who can problem-solve, who can look inward for comfort and reassurance. What if I told you a secret? What if I told you that you could ultimately achieve these things *without* listening to the heartbreaking cries of your child in the night, without clenching your hands so tight you have nail marks because you're fighting every mommy instinct you have in your attempts to ignore those cries?
Take our experience with parenting and hold it up to the others that you'll read (and you'll read far, far more of those). Just know that you have another option. Just know this: we kept our son with us in our bedroom, in a cradle, until he was 8 weeks old. Even after he moved to his own room, when he cried in the night, I nursed him -- I fed him on-demand. I fed him and then I rocked him until he fell asleep. I did this as many times in the night as he "requested." Yes, I was bleary-eyed, I was exhausted. But we pushed onward... Our son is now 2 years old. He sleeps through the night with no problems whatsoever, and has been doing so for a little under a year. Yeah, there were some difficult nights. There were times we thought we'd never sleep normally again. There were moments we thought we were absolutely doing things wrong. But we never rejected our instincts, never gave up on our own ideas about parenting. And you know what? We ended up in the same place as everyone else: our child sleeps through the night. And guess what else? Everyone who has ever observed Will has remarked that he is "the most independent child" they've ever seen. I kid you not. And they're right -- he loves to play by himself. He gets very involved in his own world and doesn't like to be disturbed, especially by his little sister! He can even self-soothe...I've watched him do it. If something upsets him and I can't get to him right away, he'll seek out his pacifier or his "silkie" (blanket) and he'll sit down in his chair and watch Dora or hold his cars to his chest for a few minutes and voila, he's happy again.
But guess what else? When my child cries in the night, which he very rarely does -- over a nightmare or a diaper leak -- he knows I'm coming. He knows Mommy or Daddy will be there. He knows it's just a matter of minutes before one of us will appear at his crib. He knows that help is on the way.
Yes, Marty and I suffered through quite a few more sleepless nights than the cry-it-out crowd. But I did not have children just so I could immediately make them function without me. I did not have children to teach them to get used to handling problems alone. No, I actually had children so we could enjoy a relationship, so I would know the joy of offering comfort and companionship and shelter and love and help to someone and so that someone could receive it. Period. Plain and simple.
Please know that I have nothing against those who adopt the method of crying-it-out. I just have something against that method being touted as "correct" or "right" and other methods being frowned upon, or worse, being rejected without consideration simply because they're unpopular. Look, we all have to work things out for our own children, our own families. Let's just offer grace to each other. We're all headed toward the same destination: happy, healthy children. There are different paths to getting there.
Okay, my brain might not have a hole burnt through it after all. I might very well sleep tonight. But if you're not sleeping tonight because of a wakeful baby, hang in there. You don't have to listen to me, but please do listen to your instincts. They won't misguide you. And you will sleep again!
Friday, August 5, 2011
To-Do while in Indy
I've spent weeks at a time at my parents' house before and I haven't been as purposeful about the time away from the normal routine as I should have been. So in the interest of being as strategic as I can, I've written the following to-do list for myself. I promise to update as I cross items off! (To-do items are in no particular order...)
- Write piece for essay competition. Have a friend edit/review it.
- Work on Shutterfly albums for kids and order when completed.
- Go through recipe collection and cookbooks; create a more organized recipe and meal list binder.
- Begin work on creating a home organization binder.
- Check in with professional organizing client and schedule a second round of organization with her.
- Do something fun and extra-special with the kids at least every other day.
- Take walks.
- See friends.
- Blog.
- Pray.
- Enjoy Lucy's birthday party with family.
- Sleep.
- Catch up on all emails (even the one that's about 2 years old now...yeesh).
- Haunt Half-Price Books.
- Schedule and enjoy some time with both my sisters.
- Begin Christmas listing, window-shopping, pricing, perusing, etc.
- Write love letters to Marty.
- Hit clearance racks at Von Maur, TJ Maxx, and Target.
- Go antiquing at favorite store in Franklin.
- Visit with my grandparents.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Thought for the day
"I will both lay me down in peace and sleep: for thou, Lord, only makest me dwell in safety." ~Psalm 4:8
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A year ago today
The birth of my baby girl, Lucy Elizabeth...
Lucy's birth was very difficult, for both of us. However, the first few hours afterward were even worse. One day I'll write about it, but suffice it to say that the events that transpired so threw me for a loop that I didn't gain solid emotional footing for quite some time afterward. I can find only a couple of pictures of me holding her those first days and weeks, even though I rarely put her down. I was terrified that she would be taken from me again, and my face showed it (thus, the lack of pictures I allowed of me).
As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I thought about all of this and prayed my abundant gratitude to the Lord. We are so blessed to have our Lucy and I'm just so thankful that everything came out just fine in the end and that we are all healthy now.
Happy First Birthday, my sweet LuLu!
 |
| Just a couple minutes old...and not doing so well. The nurses paused to let Marty take a picture, but then they resumed giving Lucy breathing treatments. |
 |
| After listening to scary things happening and being completely helpless, they finally brought her to me. You can see the worry in my face. |
 |
| Touching noses...I'm telling her she is loved and that it's going to be okay. |
 |
| After being released from the NICU. My pretty girl had been through so much. |
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| Finally home, safe in Daddy's arms. |
As I rocked her to sleep tonight, I thought about all of this and prayed my abundant gratitude to the Lord. We are so blessed to have our Lucy and I'm just so thankful that everything came out just fine in the end and that we are all healthy now.
Happy First Birthday, my sweet LuLu!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Multitude Monday...#11-20
Thankful for:
11. A year of having my daughter. I can't believe her first birthday is tomorrow!
12. The locally owned toy shop, Bear-n-Friends. They offer all sorts of great non-mainstream toys and they have a huge Thomas table with tracks already set up. Will *loves* going in there.
13. Rediscovering books already on my shelf.
14. The fact that Marty makes coffee for me in the mornings whenever he can. He always seems to be able to anticipate the hard days.
15. The Proctor & Gamble coupon insert in yesterday's paper (if you're like me, a host of your normal supplies are P&G: Charmin, Tide, Downy, Pampers, Secret, Gillette, etc. These coupons are worth their weight in gold.)
16. Essie nail polish in "Merino Cool" -- fabulous shade of lavender gray. I may actually keep my nails polished and pretty with this in my beauty stash.
17. Disposable diapers. I mean no offense, but the desire to cloth-diaper is as mysterious to me as the Bermuda Triangle. I just don't get it. (Especially when we're talking about a 2-year-old's diapers.)
18. The fact that when I tuck my son in, I use the green-and-white afghan knitted by my Aunt Rita. Who gave it as a baby gift to my mom for me nearly 35 years ago!
19. That Marty and I are harvesting our first crop tonight. A (single) tomato is going to be plucked from our (lone) tomato plant that's sitting in a large pot on our deck (we live in a condo so we don't exactly own the rights to any dirt). However, we couldn't be more excited about fried green tomatoes tonight!
20. Dried eucalyptus. I just love the way it makes my house smell.
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