Mommy Challenge #2: Just say "No"

To drugs?  No, but close.  To toxic blogs. 

Lately I've been working out who I am and who I want to be as a mom.  I've also been trying to figure out who I want to be as a blogger.  Interestingly, I've also lately been reading books on how to become a (better) writer, and in these books, the authors suggest that to know what you like to write, you have to know what you like to read.  I think it's no different for bloggers.  So, in addition to assessing those "voices of motherhood" I've been talking about, I've been assessing blogland voices for the same purpose:  to find what resonates with me so I have good examples, ideas to incorporate and wisdom to learn.  And in doing so, to refocus my attention on these things and cut everything else.

Well, let me tell you, it's been nothing but cut-cut-cut.  For several years, I've been following a certain type of blog, the "perfect mommy blogs" I've called them, and I've always had a love-hate relationship with them.  I've loved them because, gosh-by-golly, some people really seem to have pretty lives.  And isn't it nice to look at pretty things?  But I've also hated them because, for crying out loud, does it have to be *all* pretty, *all* the time?  It's funny because even the most perfect of the perfect mommy bloggers always seem to have the token "my life isn't perfect" disclaimer slapped on somewhere, but then they never reveal anything imperfect or non-pretty (dare I say "ugly"?).  And that's just frustrating.

Why?  Here's why.  I've been divorced.  I've been infertile.  I've been broke.  These are not things that I proudly proclaim or wear on a t-shirt, but they are part of me and my history, and close friends can attest that even when I was going through those things, I tried my hardest to learn from them, to find deeper meaning in life beyond a happy marriage, beautiful children, and piles of cash.  And even if I've been blessed with some happy resolutions, I could never, ever pretend as though those things didn't happen or that lots and lots of other people are going through similar things, and that even more people have struggles that I could never imagine.  And I can't pretend as though I'm not dealing with a new set of problems, either.

Have you ever heard of the phrase, "embarrassment of riches?"  I think this is what I'm talking about.  Riches meaning not just money or material things (although that's certainly a huge element), but an abundance of blessings.  And instead of having some embarrassment of riches, or as I would state it, a modesty about blessings, some bloggers choose to brag and flaunt, or complain about trivialities, or make their readers dizzy with dollar signs.  There is no search for depth or meaning to blessing or lack thereof, and there is no acknowledgement of struggle that might happen outside their front doors.  And I have found that this is a state of things that I find to be toxic, to put it bluntly.  Just plain poisonous.  Because I know people who can't pay their bills.  Whose children suffer from morning to night with heinous illnesses.  Who are in counseling to work through years of sickening abuse at the hand of a loved one.  I know people who go through the daily grind of life, utterly miserable in their marriages, in their jobs, in their homes, and they can't do a darned thing about it but pray for relief, restoration, peace, or deliverance.

This is not to say that blogs can't be positive, happy places, venues where we can (and should) rejoice with those who rejoice, even if that means ourselves.  Or that we can't talk about pretty things that we've bought, or nice places we've been to.  Of course I don't mean that -- I'm happily married to a wonderful man and we have two beautiful children together and I delight in talking about them!  It's just that nature abhors a vacuum, and so does blogland, at least for me.  Balance seems to demand itself, even if only a conscious inspection reveals as much.  And after being frustrated without exactly knowing why, I've done the conscious inspection, and I've found the vacuums, the toxicities, the too-pretty-to-be-true.  And I've cut them!

So here's the challenge.  Do you find yourself falling into the "it's so pretty and I want it and I'll read about it even though it makes me crazy" trap?  Do you follow blogs (or a friend or neighbor, for that matter) too closely, because you are fascinated, but you have felt the ugly side of the fascination, which is frustration?  I've actually thought to myself, perhaps I'm the only one who has struggled with this.  But I don't think so.  Because I've read comments sections on blogs where a negative voice gets dismissed as a "hater," when really, I think it's a person who just can't swallow all that pretty because she has so much ugly going on in her own life.  If you struggle with this, then I challenge you to cut-cut-cut.  Just don't listen or pay attention or tune in.  If what you're reading doesn't seem to ring true or feel balanced, then it's probably not good for you, and may even be toxic.  Wish the perfect mommy bloggers well and say Adieu.  And find blog(ger)s -- and people -- that are real, through good times and bad. 

My best friend challenged me to do this last week as I shared with her (for the umpteenth time) my frustration with a blog(ger).  She finally just said, "Stop reading it already!"  So I'm passing the challenge along.  Stop reading it already -- just say "no."

*My Link list is undergoing a massive overhaul due to this challenge.  I'm seeking out real mommies, real ladies who are going through real things and what?  Being *real* about them.  Be sure to visit my Link list in the coming days and weeks to find some new friends!

Mommy Challenge #1: "Don't you let them"

A couple months ago, my hubby and I were crunching the numbers -- as we do often, being a family of 4 and living on 1 income -- looking for areas where we could cut back.  Time and again during prior number-crunching ceremonies, the issue of cutting cable had come up, but we always nixed it, owing to our need for entertainment for the kids and escape time for us.  This time when the issue came up, however, we really looked at each other.  Could we do it?  we mused aloud.  We could at least give it a try, we agreed.  So, rather reluctantly, we (literally) pulled the plug the next day.  (Side note:  cable guys who come out to unhook your cable when you're not in obvious throes of moving look at you like you've just plunged off the deep end.)

I have to admit, I suffered classic, unmistakable symptoms of withdrawal.  I felt lost, I felt unmoored from the world and the remote seemed to taunt me.  What if we missed the greatest episode of "Chopped" ever (as in, what if there were eagle eyes or pig brains in the basket?  If you've ever seen "Chopped," you know exactly what I mean...)?  What would I do without the voyeuristic comfort of "House Hunters" every night?  What about "Will and Grace" in the mornings, when the kids were finally enmeshed in their play and I could grab a second cup of coffee?  And for heaven's sake, what about "Project Runway"???

These were my initial thoughts but I'm also going to admit something else.  True confession time:  I love junk TV.  I mean, I really *love* it.  Give me a Real Housewives of Wherever and I'll sit and watch it in utter fascination.  Getting a chance to watch how the priviliged and elite live (and waste their money and ruin their marriages)?  Uh, yes please!  It's the best and truest example of watching the metaphorical train wreck -- that state of being unable to look away. 

But suddenly I was forced to look away.  Because there was nowhere to look, nothing to look at!  I didn't quite get into cold sweats and trembling hands, but I was pretty miserable at first.  Then, slowly, I began to notice there was far less noise in my head.  When I was loading the dishwasher I wasn't thinking about Josh from "Million Dollar Listing."  I wasn't wondering who stomped off had a heated discussion on "The View" that morning.  Even getting a break from the benign influences of Ina Garten and Paula Deen was a huge relief.  I could just cook a meal and not worry about whether I was using "good" olive oil!

So.  Fast-forward to now.  I've been clean for a couple months and honestly, I just could never go back to watching cable like I once did.  In addition to saving quite a chunk of change each month and having that blessed relief from all the brain noise, I also seem to have gained hours in my days.  Naptime for my babies now seems to stretch ahead of me with all kinds of possibilities, and isn't just a matter of two 1-hour shows.  Life is measured by other rhythms, my mind filled with clearer thoughts, our money saved or more wisely spent on better things.

You know, I've heard TV described as "soulless."  And how true is that?  Do you know there are people who sit in conference rooms, discussing how to get you glued to a show so they can get more and better advertising dollars, so they can pad their pockets and *get rich off you*?  I'm reminded of the lyrics in James Taylor's song, "You've Got a Friend":

...People can be so cold.

They'll hurt you and desert you.

Well, they'll take your soul if you let them.

But don't you let them.

So here's my challenge to you, dear readers:  Consider cutting cable.  Think about it.  If not, just think about majorly cutting back on your viewing time.  Please don't think I'm preaching to you...I'm a self-admitted former junk TV junkie, after all!  I just know what it's like on the other side of things.  And I highly recommend it.  I know what I've gained:  time, money, peace.  I also know what I've lost:  I don't keep up with the Kardashians.  Weep for me if you must.  *wink*

Note:  This is the first of a post series I'm beginning called "Mommy Challenges."  Which isn't at all meant to be limited to mommies only, but is geared toward mommies who want to live better lives for themselves, their husbands, and especially their children.  "Better" meaning simpler, fuller, richer, more focused lives.  This is my goal and I would love to encourage you to join me!

Another Note:  We still offer our kids plenty of entertainment, which I plan on cutting back as well.  It's too easy to buy Nick Jr. DVDs at Target.

Final Note:  "Project Runway" is available on Lifetime.com within a few hours of original episode airing.  There's simply no need to live without Tim Gunn (perish the thought!).